The long haul to love myself
I can’t help but think back over the last couple of years in my journey. I know some of you have followed along with me through my KETO transformation over the past couple of years, but some of you may not be aware of it and I wanted to share it with you too. When I started the journey, I was weighing in around 300 lbs. I felt like I always carried my weight pretty well for being all of 5’10. I was athletic all my life and had some muscles to prove it even in my 40’s. It was struggle for me to stay in the military all 21 years because I continued to have to fight the height weight standard. I did it but barely squeaked by, trust me! But when I retired in 2012, I hit the weight room pretty hard and started to bulk up more than I ever had really, even more than I did in my 20’s playing college football. I was loving it! I increased my bench press to around 450 pounds within a year of retiring but what was also happening was I was eating everything in sight! My muscles were growing but so was my gut. I kept telling myself it was because of the extra muscle mass that I was putting on that I was gaining so much weight, but that was just the lie I had been telling myself.
In fact the lie was a lifelong lie I had been telling myself. With changes in life and a move to Phoenix, I slowed my weight training down a whole bunch but did not in fact slow down my eating. When we arrived here in the valley, Jodi said we should go for a hike up Piestewa peak in Phoenix. I thought, great! We went and honestly that day I thought I might die. We did not even come close to climbing it, I had to sit down and I literally thought I would have a heart attack that day! I had never felt that feeling before. You would think at that moment after nearly dying, I would climb down the mountain and start TODAY towards a better and healthier me…Well that was 2014 and my “long haul to love myself” didn’t start until 2019 really. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and of course was severely obese. If you have followed my blogs, you know that another awakening had to take place for it to really stick for me.
I had to clime to 12,000 ft in the Rocky Mountains with Huts for Vets to actually get “woke”! Even then reader, it took another 6 months to really start doing it. I had always had this thought process that I can do anything I put my mind to and well for the most part that is the case, but with my weight it just seemed almost impossible. I told myself, you’re getting older now, this might be the end for you Shawn. You might just be a fat turd the rest of your short life.
Then I saw some KETO add one day while sitting at my computer. This day I was feeling especially fat and miserable (those were quite common if I’m being honest). Of course I had tried about everything known to man to lose weight so of course I deduced that this was another fad thing that couldn’t help me. I sat there looking through it and something rose up in me, maybe my last bit of fortitude and I decided to take the plunge. I purchased some diet plan for $40 and got to work and decided I could pull off one last ditch effort to get back into shape and take hold of my life again.
Well I ended up losing right around 80lbs after it was all said and done. I got down to 218 from around 300 and I felt fantastic! Then it was 2020 and COVID and lockdown and sitting in the house and eating and eating some more. Jodi and I continued to do some hikes so as to help keep the fat monster at bay, but if you know anything about weight gain, that monster is far stronger than you think. So the pattern goes for Shawn, kick but and take names, lose the weight and be happy, get complacent gain the weight and hate myself all over again. I truly have this love/hate relationship with myself and that’s why I call it a long haul.
I have decided to make 2021 a year of personal healing for me though. I have come to realize, my past and the traumas I have lived through are not going to be what defines me. Part of the healing process is to talk to people about your traumas. I have opened up about my past with close friends and family and I wanted to encourage you to do the same. If you are struggling with weight gain or fighting tooth and nail for your health like I have most of my life I want to tell you today that you can do it! You can, but it might start with talking to someone about some things instead of hitting the gym. It might be the reasons for your weight gain/weight loss roller coaster have more to do with the deeper hurts in your life rather than just loving food too much. I also wanted to tell you that you are worth it. You have always been worth it. No matter who may have broken your heart or hurt you, you can take your self worth back from them. They don’t deserve to have that power over you any more. You my friend are highly loved. I hope that you will come with me on this long haul to loving yourself again.
