Sometimes I feel sad and lonely and don’t know why….
It really makes no logical sense to me. I have what would seem like the best of lives. I have the perfect partner in my wife. I have wonderful children and grandchildren, the dream job, love my home, I really want for nothing and at times I have access of what I need. Heck, I live in place where the sun is almost always shining! So, why do I feel this way at times? I thought that maybe if I wrote it out, I could make sense of it. If you are reading this, thanks for listening to me for a few moments…
I have been telling my story a lot lately, sharing and reliving some trauma with groups so they connect with me. I have also been listening to this book about the Battle of Fallujah called No True Glory. The book itself isn’t about my exact time there and it is about the brave Marines who fought these battles in and around the Anbar Province where I once called “home” for over a year. On top of that this past week, I heard a Green Beret tell of his work in a non profit he started to help the Afghan army try to reclaim their country from the Taliban and I could hear the aching in his heart for the brothers he lost in the 20 years of war there. I wonder if doing this can bring things up and cause me to feel alone and sad. There are times that others share their trauma and hard times with me because they feel like I am a safe space for that. This can add to my sadness I think. I hear their troubles, I feel their pain and add it to my own.
I’m really not sure to be honest. I don’t have all the answers and can’t be or do all things for all people. I know I put a lot of this on myself, I’m not naïve enough to think this is anyone else’s fault but my own but there are times, I look around to see who can help me carry these burdens. I know Jodi will carry some for me, its hard though to unload them. I try to be emotionally available but there are times, that I don’t know how to verbalize how I am feeling. I guess, looking back over the past couple of weeks there is some logic but at the same time, it doesn’t make sense to me. You ever just feel like, unplugging from the world, hiding under your blanket and just wishing someone else would handle the “adulting” for a while in your life? I am kind of feeling that way a little bit. I can’t do that of course because people depend on me, people look to me for leadership and strength. I will drive on no doubt but needed to do my version of verbalizing how I am right now.
If you gave your time to read my words, it helps. It helps because I know I am not yelling into the void. I know that there are people that care. Thank you. Thanks for showing your love. I hope I can be that person for you too someday, it takes us all being there for each other to get through this life.
